life and stuff

Kendall Payne - Scratch

2006-12-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you ever get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream
When you can't fall asleep?

I've been wondering what you're thinking
And if you like my dress tonight?
Would you still say you love me
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I'm so afraid of what you'll say.

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

I used to think I was special
And only I have proved me wrong
I thought I could change
The world with a song
But I have ended up in India
With no lamp to guide me home.
The strangest place I think I have ever been
And all this time
I thought that we were friends
My stubborn will is learning to bend.

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things

Pieces by Rascal Flatts

2006-11-27T01:21:00.000-08:00

From the moment that we met
My world was turned around
Upside down

To some degree I still regret
My memory for keeping you around

Boy I thought that you were mine
But my broken hearts been shattered
One too many times

And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here,
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you looking
There's nothing left for you to break
Baby please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces

Someone let you down again
So you turn to me
Your convenient friend

Oh but I know what you're doing
And what you hope to find
I've seen it a thousand times

Oh the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor

And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here,
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you looking
There's nothing left for you to break
Baby please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces

And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here,
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you looking
There's nothing left for you to break
Baby please release me
We both know that you don't need me
Let my heart rest in pieces

Hurt by Chistina Aguilera

2006-11-27T01:13:00.000-08:00

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

E. E. Cummings - I carry your heart

2006-09-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

2006-07-10T06:25:00.000-07:00

Death Cab for Cutie - What Sarah Said

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that out memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?..

2006-06-05T03:53:00.000-07:00

man....it's been awhile. i just haven't felt the need to write anything. nothing really has been happening. just working and staying busy as best as possible. but for some odd reason, i felt the urge to post. as if anyone still reads this or ever did. i'm gonna take this time to talk about things that have been on my mind. the last several months have been kinda . . . well i am at a lose for words. . . lets just say weird for the lack of a better word at the moment. i am at the place in my life where i don't know what i am doing and why i am here. i know i have said this many times and i still mean it. i just feel so out of place most of the time, still. i basically isolate myself from the world, expect a few people, you know who you are. i don't quite know why i do this. maybe it is a fear of rejection, fear of loss, maybe just fear itself. tired of getting hurt, so i stay away from everyone? but that isn't the thought running through my head when i am sitting at home alone. will it every get easier? i have been asking that same question for almost a year. i keep getting the response that, yes, it will get easier with time. maybe it just seems harder lately because of what was happening this time last year. she is never, NEVER, off my mind. sometimes i struggle to hold back the tears because that come so quickly and unexpectedly. sometimes i can see something random and i will drift off into a memory and when i resurface back to reality i have tears streaming down my face. i find it hard to talk about her still in conversations. i have a hard time going to mccomb and going out to doug's. i now know why people move out the house after a loved one dies, so many memories. the house is SO empty now but still so full, full of useless things that mean nothing. it will never be the same. . . . . i will never be the same.

WE HAVE A BABY GIRL!!

2006-03-25T22:29:00.000-08:00

EMILY HAD HER BABY ON FRIDAY THE 24TH OF MARCH AT 9:10 PM. SHE WAS 6LBS AND 4OZ AND 21 INCHES LONG. HER NAME IS KATHERINE GRACE. NOT SURE IF THAT IS HOW EMILY IS GONNA SPELL KATHERINE YET. THEY ARE BOTH DOING GOOD. LITTLE GRACIE IS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!! MAEBELINE STAYED IN THE ROOM DURING THE WHOLE DELIVERY. I AM SO PROUD OF HER. CONGRATS EMILY

Nohari Window (opposite of Johari)

2006-03-23T23:15:00.000-08:00

click here

The Cranberries - No Need to Argue

2006-03-16T00:53:00.000-08:00

There's no need to argue anymore.
I gave all I could, but it left me so sore.
And the thing that makes me mad,
Is the one thing that I had,

I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me,
Special to me, to me.

And I remember all the things we once shared,
Watching T.V. movies on the living room armchair.
But they say it will work out fine.
Was it all a waste of time.

'Cause I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me,
Special to me, to me.

Will I forget in time, ah,
You said I was on your mind?
There's no need to argue,
No need to argue anymore.
There's no need to argue anymore.

Ouuu, ouuu, ouuuu...
Special.

dream meanings

2006-03-04T19:39:00.000-08:00

Mother
To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development.

To dream that you are having a conversation with your mother, denotes a matter that has preoccupied your mind and you are not sure how to deal with it in your waking life. It indicates unresolved problems that still need to be worked out with your mother.

Dead

To see the dead in your dream, forewarns that you are being influenced by negative people and are hanging around the wrong crowd. You may suffer material loss. This dream may also be a way for you to resolve your feelings with those who have passed on.

To see and talk with your dead father in your dream, signifies that you are about to enter into an unlucky transaction or rotten deal. Thoroughly think through your decisions before entering into them. To see your dead mother in your dream, signifies your wretched and mean-hearted nature towards others around you. Seeing your dead parents in your dreams, may mean your fears of losing them or your way of coping with the loss. You may want that last opportunity to say your final good-byes to them.

To see your dead sibling, relative, or friend in your dream, foretells that you will soon be called on for aid and assistance. It may also mean that you miss them and are trying to relive your old experiences you had with them. In trying to keep up with the pace of your daily waking life, you dreams may serve as your only outlet in coping and coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.

lack of blogging

2006-03-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

it isn't that i have too been busy and haven't had time to blog, but there just hasn't been anything to blog about. the girlie party last weekend went well. it turned into a not so girlie party, which was great. it was fun. me and roo went and saw 'something new' last wednesday night. it was a fantastic movie. my wallet that was stolen last thursday night still hasnt been found. i have already replaced my license and atm card. i have been in very weird mood lately. lots of weird dreams. the kind where when you finally wake yourself up, you feel really strange and lost. it creeps me out thinking about it. it makes me kinda float into space and ignore everything around me. you know what i mean? i guess i should look up what the dreams mean.

concert and party

2006-02-20T04:06:00.000-08:00

ok on thursday the 23rd, Trapt is playing at Headliners at 10PM. me and roo are goin. anyone else that is interested in goin leave a message or give me a call. also don't forget to rsvp for the party saturday the 25th even if you don't have your invitation yet. you all already know if you were invited. its a girlie party so girls get on it.

Johari window

2006-02-15T07:10:00.000-08:00

Go here

2006-02-05T00:05:00.000-08:00

ok so Monday Feb 6th around 6pm, we are goin out to eat at O'Charley's and then goin to the 8pm showing of Nanny McPhee at tinseltown. everyone is welcome to come. just leave me a message here or call my cell.

2006-02-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

i will be 25 in a few days. i should be happy. it is gonna be my birthday. it doesn't feel right. it doesn't even seem worth celebrating. i took the day off so i could do something and the more i think about it, im just not sure if i want to. it just seems so weird.

2006-01-30T00:16:00.000-08:00

ok it irritates the shit out of me that people can think that if you leave something alone for long enough it will go away. maybe i am jumping to conclusions but lately all of my conclusions are the truth. i know that u are too chicken shit to talk to me and you should be. but just a little word of advice, you better not wait to long. because i get madder as the days go by. i feel like you are blowing me off like you always do and maybe you are. so if that is the case, i pity you.

CHECK THIS OUT

2006-01-27T13:39:00.000-08:00

everyone needs to check out this website. it is freakin hilarious. at least look at the ones with miss muffy and the muff mob and rat chicken. to get it to work open it with internet explorer.

http://www.bullseyeart.com/

2006-01-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

DAVID, WHEN YOU GROW THE FUCKING BALLS TO TALK TO ME YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME. UNTIL THEN I WON'T BE IN CONTACT WITH YOU OR BE COMING TO JOEY AND BETH'S. MAYBE THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT ANYWAY, JUST TO BE RID OF ME. WHO FUCKING KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT? YOU WON'T TELL PEOPLE. SO WHEN SHE FUCKS YOU OVER AGAIN AND THROWS YOU TO THE SIDE LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES JUST REMEMBER I WON'T BE THERE. I AM THROUGH TRYING TO BE THERE AND YOU FUCKING ME OVER AS USUAL. YOU ARE SO INCONSIDERATE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

2006-01-23T04:00:00.000-08:00

ONE MORE NIGHT.....MAYBE I CAN MAKE IT. I AM REALLY TIRED. I WILL HAVE A WEEK TO DO NOTHING AND THAT IS MY PLAN. I'M NOT GOIN TO MCCOMB UNLESS I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. I MAY STAY AROUND THE HOUSE AND GET SOME STUFF DONE THAT I HAVE BEEN PUTTING OFF. I JUST WANT TO RELAX AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT STUPID SHIT. I FEEL VERY OVERWHELMED. SO MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LEAVE AND GO SOMEWHERE BY MYSELF FOR A FEW DAYS TO GET AWAY FROM EVERYTHING. WE SHALL SEE I GUESS.

2006-01-19T23:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like SHIT!! I am so tired of everything. Not as mad as before but I still want an explanation and I feel like I deserve one. So whenever it is convenient for you as usual, I guess I will get one. I just want to fucking scream. I knew better. I know that the last few lines sound like I'm pretty mad and I guess I am to an extent. I am very frustrated. In the beginning, I got mad at myself for getting mad about the situation and I felt bad about jumping to conclusions. Now I'm like WTF!! I feel worthless and undeserving. If I didn't care for you so much, I would just give up and walk away. It would make everything so much easier. It always seems to be me that gets hurt in the end. I am drawn to you for some reason. Maybe because you are comfortable and safe. But then you really aren't safe because I always get hurt.

2006-01-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

i should go to bed and get some more sleep before work tonight. just not really in the mood to get in the bed. this is the first week in a long time that i spent almost every day here at the house. the party was really nice. went to mccomb on sunday and then came back sunday night. i'm starting to think that my over all shitty mood lately is starting to affect everything around me. i was leaving joey and beth's last night and had another flat. this is the second one in 2 weeks. i had one on my last week off. i swear. i was so infuriated. i spent a little over an hour at walmart this morning buying a new tire. thank god they open pretty early. i wish i didn't worry so much. bein thinking a lot. spending time alone. trying to figure shit out and get shit together. i don't feel i have accomplished much.

2006-01-10T05:48:00.000-08:00

i have always thought that things happen for a reason. we may never know why or understand it but there is a purpose to everything. as hard as some situations are i honestly do try to find good in them as hard as it may be. so i said all that to say this.

when my grandfather(my dad's dad) died on new years day, i thought to myself that this was a horrible way to start a new year. it is too soon, everything is still so fresh and deep. i truly didn't know how i was gonna deal with it. i thought about not going at all but then all i could see in my mind was him sitting at mom's wake waiting patiently on me to come sit and talk with him. we sat there that night on the bench and just held hands and he told me how much he loved me and how much i meant to him. see my parents divorced when i was young and i never really saw this grandfather to much except on holidays and stuff but i loved him just the same. after dad died, the visits almost completely stopped. we normally only talked or saw each other when something was wrong or someone was sick or a death in the family.

well his wife died while mom was in the hospital and we didn't' find out about it til the day of her funeral. she was my stepgrandmother. i was pretty upset about not knowing in time to go. they didn't even know mom was in the hospital and they had tried to call the house to tell us about the death but no was at home.

so knowing that i had to go to mccomb to his funeral, which was at the same funeral home mom was at, was gut wrenching feeling. it was heartbreaking walking in there. my mind flashed back to that night almost 7 months ago and all i could see was her. i broke down and had to walk out. it was like cutting deeper into the wound that was already there, a wound that i know will never heal.

for those of you who don't know, i have a step-brother named brandon. he is 18. i never see him because when my dad died my step-mom moved and doesn't care to keep in touch with us. i haven't' seen him in around 6 or 7 years and before that it was when my dad died 14 years ago. so when he walked in at the funeral home friday morning, my heart sank. brad had been keeping in touch with him and knew who he was when he walked in. i didn't even recognize him until brad called his name. i was flooded with memories and started crying.

my grandfather was buried right beside my dads grave. it had been a long time since i had been out there to see his grave, which was hard. brandon had never seen it because he was a baby when dad died. he got really upset and we all hugged and cried for a while. i felt so close to him even though i haven't seen him in so long.

after the funeral, we got addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses and promised to keep in touch. we also took a few pics with all of us (chris, me, brad, and brandon). i hate that it took this to bring us back together but sometimes life is that way.

2006-01-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

well im still alive for those of you who are wondering. new years was good. joey, beth, ryan, dave, kerry, and i went to beth's aunt and uncles. it was really nice. fireworks, karaoke, drinking, dancing; the usual. i have honestly spent the rest of the weekend recovering. i slept all day today so i will probably be up all night. i guess that is good because i have to start back to work tomorrow night. hope everyone had a good new years and lots of health, wealth, and happiness throughout the year. cheers!!

2005-12-22T23:14:00.000-08:00

i guess i should post something, it has been awhile. alot has happened. mae and jonathan are married. i had christmas with all the family in mccomb over the weekend. i also had christmas with joey, beth, david, and ryan. got some really great stuff from all, thanks!! just kinda been hanging at joey and beth's for the past several days. im sick again. i feel like shit as usual. looks like christmas is gonna be shitter than expected due to sickness. i am taking time to myself. i just feel like i need to figure out some stuff. can't go into detail about any of it. im pretty mad at myself about it and i feel i am the one to blame. i feel like this is the last thing i need right now, i need the company of friends and loved ones. i feel so confused so i just can't keep putting myself in this situation. why..why..why, god i am so pissed. why can't we just talk? don't i deserve an explanation too? what the hell is going on? why did i let it happen again? i have said to much. nevermind

2005-12-11T22:23:00.000-08:00

one more night and i will be off for an entire week. i never get tired of being off. man i can't wait. there will be a lot to do next week but hopefully it won't be too bad. mae's bachelorette party is on friday and we are gonna all do girly things starting at noon on friday; pedicures, manicures, threading, facial, etc. the dresses are gorgeous.
i have to head to mccomb right after the wedding on saturday. we are having christmas on sunday because im not off on christmas :( again! i only have 3 more presents to buy and then i will be completely done, woo hoo.
i am kinda blah tonight, i don't know what is up.

why do i get upset so easily over nothing? sometimes i feel like i have no control over my emotions.

2005-12-07T00:27:00.000-08:00

everything seems to be going well. the weekend was great. roo went with me to forest. we had a birthday party for hunter and megan on sat. that afternoon we came back to jackson and went to the bass pro shop and to eat at cock of the walk. later that night, we had drunken karaoke. it was much fun, well as much as i can remember, lol. so on sunday me and roo came back to jackson went to the movies to see pride and prejudice with shelby and maryam. omg that movie was magnificent. just thinking about it gives me butterflies in my stomach. i want that.

finally today i am starting to feel relief from the hangover i have had for several days. i guess it wouldn't have been so bad if i had not drank for three days straight. maybe i will learn.

2005-12-01T10:28:00.000-08:00

today is always a depressing day. yes 7 years ago, there became a reason to celebrate the day again. a reason to be happy and rejoice life, for hunter was born on this day. but then there is still that reason that causes the day be dark and cold, 14 years ago today he left us. but this year, it is almost unbearable. my heart aches tremendously. because almost 6 months ago the one person that i depended on more than anything, the only other person equal to him, left too. she was my everthing and she always made today better because i knew that she would be there for me to cry to and to hold me and tell me it would all be ok. but now it seems like today is just a very sad reminder of everything, her and him. i sit here and cry uncontrollably because more and more each day i realize how very much i miss both of them. my life will never be the same. the holidays arent worth celebrating. i wish i could just go to sleep and wake up next year. i know the memories would be there when i wake but i would not have to face the days to come. i didn't think that today would affect me this way. i have managed some years to even almost forget about what happened. i dont even know how i am gonna deal with the 4th if today is so upsetting.

2005-11-24T18:40:00.000-08:00

why do i feel so damn insignificant and unloved and alone? i am mad as hell for no apparent reason. i just want to cry. i just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. maybe i shouldn't have worked tonight because i am very upset and i don't see it getting any easier as the night progresses. i don't want to be here.

why do i try so hard all the time? i feel like i give to much and it is never appreciated, like it is expected. i wish i could understand the reasons why things happen and why people act the way they do. it hurts my heart.

maybe i bring all this on myself.......i don't know.....but something has got to change. i am so irritated with myself.

it sucks being alone during the holidays!

2005-11-22T20:36:00.000-08:00

i guess i should post something.....what, i don't know. not much goin on. started back to work tonight. my head hurts like a train is running through it. i went and saw harry potter with a group of people on sunday evening. it was good. afterwards, we went to o'charleys. it was a very nice outing. i could freaking scream about all the crap goin on in mccomb. i wont be goin into detail because it makes me mad and upset talking about it. i want to go home and get in the bed, i am sooooo tired. maybe i will post something more interesting later........maybe not. we shall see.

2005-11-14T03:58:00.000-08:00

i watched the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind on saturday night. it was great. during the movie, kirsten dunst said a quote from a poem written by alexander pope called Eloisa to Abelard. the name of the movie is derived from the poem.

the quote was:
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

here is a link to the poem if you would like to read it. it is truely beautiful. the quote is in the first four lines of the 14 paragraph.

TEARS IN HEAVEN BY ERIC CLAYTON

2005-11-14T03:53:00.000-08:00

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong

And carry on,

'Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand

If I saw you in heaven?

Would you help me stand

If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way

Through night and day,

'Cause I know I just can't stay

Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,

Time can bend your knees.

Time can break your heart,

Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,

There's peace I'm sure,

And I know there'll be no more

Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong

And carry on,

'Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven.

2005-11-11T00:18:00.000-08:00

in two more days it will be 5 months. it doesn't seem that long ago. i remember thinking when it happened that i didn't know how i would breathe let alone live again. i didn't think that i would ever see a day that i did not cry. but just like everyone said, it has gotten a little easier as the days go by. i am begining to realize that life will go on whether i feel like it won't or not. i am not crying everyday like in the begining, most days, just not everyday. i wonder sometimes how im gonna find the strength to go on.

it is getting harder as the holidays creep closer. she would have been 50 on the 4th of december, a day that won't be celebrated this year. she loved thanksgiving and christmas. she would always decorate the house and play christmas music and cook holiday foods, this will be sorely missed. i find myself tryin to remember what we were doing this time last year and the years before. it breaks my heart over again but i can't help but want to remember. it feels like if i don't remember the good times and cherish them then i will forget her or at least a part of her and that is something i never want to do.

new look

2005-11-09T07:55:00.000-08:00

so i have a new look. what do ya think? there are still some stuff i want to change and update but all in good time.

So much for being better.........

2005-11-03T09:27:00.000-08:00

OK.......Well I went back to the doctor this morning. I have streph throat, ear infections in both ears, and a upper respiratory infection. I had 101 temp when they tested it at the doctor. They gave me another shot, stronger than the ones before. They also gave me some more antibiotics, some congestion pills, and some cough syrup to knock my ass out. I went to walmart to get gatorade and juices. I also go the stuff to make chicken and rice soup tomorrow, if I feel like it. So I guess I won't be goin to forest tomorrow :( Hunter is gonna be so upset with his aunt lissa. I just wish I could frickin get better and stay better. OMG I am so tired of bein sick all the damn time!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-10-31T22:45:00.000-08:00

i have this sudden urge to cry. i don't think it is anything that has upset me. i just don't know. maybe it is because i am just tired. i just feel really emotional and i want to go home. :(

2005-10-30T03:42:00.000-08:00

ok im pretty bummed about the fact that i had to work this weekend and didn't get to go to any halloween festivities. work has been ok but i just didn't want to be here.

there are several things goin on that i am just unsure about, to many choices to make. i wish i knew what to do. i feel very confused.

2005-10-26T04:02:00.000-07:00

I AM SO FRICKIN PISSED!!!!! I JUST WANT TO QUIT WORK. IF TONIGHT IS ANY INDICATION OF HOW THE REST OF THE WEEK IS GONNA BE, THEN I WILL BE PUTTING MY TWO WEEKS IN. I GUESS I NEED TO START LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ELSE. I AM GONNA GIVE IT TIL TOMORROW NIGHT AND IF IT ISN'T BETTER, THEN THAT IS IT. OMG I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE THAT SCREW YOU OVER FOR NO DAMN REASON AT ALL. I ALWAYS DO MY SHARE OF WORK AND MORE AND I EXPECT MY FELLOW EMPLOYEES TO DO THE SAME. BUT WHEN SOMEONE SITS ON THERE ASS ALL NIGHT LONG AND DOESN'T BOTHER TO DO A DAMN THING, WELL THIS IS JUST SHIT AND I REFUSE TO PUT UP WITH IT. I COULD HAVE DONE ALL THE WORK BY MYSELF SO THEY SHOULD HAVE NEVER COME IN IF THEY WEREN'T GONNA DO ANYTHING. I AM STEAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on another note, i got my ct results back and i don't have any major problems. he gave me some daily medication to take to help with allergies and sinus problems hopefully to prevent sinus infections and stuff. we shall see if this works.

UPDATE

2005-10-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

ok well im back. it went well. it didn't take but like 10 minutes. it was rather uncomfortable because of the way i had to lay and be still for so long, but i made it thru. they said that they would sent the result to my doctor today and they also gave me a copy of the scans. i took a look and have decided that i don't know what the hell i am looking at. i may have to check them out with further detail later. i guess i am just gonna wait for the doctor to call me and let me know what to do from here. i am pretty tired. i am gonna cook some shells and cheese and go to sleep for a while.
i also went and got threaded, ooooooooooo my face is soooooo smooth. it makes me happy!!!!

today is the day

2005-10-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

im a fixing to leave to go get the CT done of my sinuses. hopefully this will tell us what the problem is. i am kinda worried about it. my neck and shoulders are really tense and sore, maybe it is from nerves. i just want to feel better. when i get back i will post what i know. wish me luck

WELL IT ISN'T THE BIRD FLU...................

2005-10-18T00:43:00.000-07:00

ok i finally broke down and decided to go to the doctor on friday morning. he told me i had a sinus infection and gave me some meds and a decadron shot. we also discussed the reason my head hurts all the time could possibly due to the fact that i may have a chronic sinus disease. that causes me to always have pressure in my sinuses and infection develops. so he suggested that we have a CT done of my sinuses in about 3 weeks after i have finished all of the meds. well as the days went on, i didn't go to work on thursday, friday or saturday night. still not feeling any better on sunday i decided to go on in. bad mistake. i felt 100% worse after working all night. i was wheezing and coughing and couldn't heardly get airflow. it was horrible. i was scaried that he was gonna put me in the hospital. my heart was racing and my chest was hurting. i had also been using my inhaler all night with not much relief. so i went back to the doctor yesterday morning and he is worried about the fact that i am not any better after taking as much meds as i already have. so we scheduled the CT for this wednesday and he changed my antiobotic and gave me another shot. he told me not to go to work and gave me an excuse. but i went home and got a little sleep and felt like i could make it. so here i am at work. i feel a little better, no racing heart and chest pain, but my throat and ears and head are pounding. so i plan on crashing as soon as i get home from work in the morning. my trip to forest may be canceled depending on the CT. i am pretty sure that i am still gonna go to mccomb on thursday because i feel like i need to just get away, weird huh. i need to move stuff into the trailor anyway. sometimes i just feel like i rest better in mccomb because i really don't have very many reasons to get up, unlike in jackson when there are friends i want to see and things i want to do. i feel like i could go to mawmaws and get in the bed and they would let me sleep for three days straight if i wanted to. they would check on me of course. i think i need the rest. being sick is running me ragged.

on another note, i came across this band called Fatkion on myspace. omg they have an album coming out in fed-march of 2006. they have an amazing sound. everyone should check out there site and be sure to listen to the song Distance.

FATKION

there is another group that rocks called Radial Angel. Check them out.

oh also i put a link to the fiona apple song "the parting gift" in a previous post after the lyrics for anyone who would to hear it. she is awesome.

umk...........im done :)

2005-10-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

ok here is a pic of my hair cut and color. it is the best one i have so far. it looks short in the front but it is layered and longer in the back. i think it is growing on me.

2005-10-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

Well I will momentarily be in a nyquil coma and sleeping like a baby hopefully. I want to sleep til my alarm goes off and no earlier. I am so tired of not getting enough sleep and waking up like a thousand times during the day. I feel like crap. I would blame ruby for getting me sick but I am almost positive sinus infections aren't contagious. I have had one for several months but I just keep ignoring it hoping that it will just leave me the hell alone for once. I can already feel the nyquil working as it sloooooowwwwwsssssss down my tyyyyyyyyyyypppppinnnnnnnnggggggggg. . . . . . . Maybe I should lay down soon. I am sooooooooooo tired of work already.

today is just a bad day

Fiona Apple "Parting Gift"

2005-10-12T00:51:00.000-07:00

I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love

I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first, to the last time, the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
They said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back

I bet your fortressed face
Belied your fort of lace
It is by the grace of me
You never learned what I could see

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first to all the last times, all the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
They said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

Link to listen to the song
Fiona Apple

2005-10-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

work work work

blah blah blah

nothing is happening tonight

my head hurts as usual

i don't want to do anything

just want to go home and go to bed

i am thinking about looking for another job

i do enjoy my week off but i feel like i spend the whole week running

i guess i just want a normal schedule again

maybe i will change my mind

i sure do wish my head would stop spinning

2005-10-08T16:20:00.000-07:00

ok i got my hair cut and colored on thursday before i came back to jackson. i also had it straighten as my normal ritual. so at first it didn't seem so short, i liked it straight. well i washed it today and it is curly, and i mean really curly and short. lets just say it has a lot of body. when i got it cut and colored last time, she layered it with long layers. so this time we went with more layers and they are shorter. i guess i am gonna have to buy a really good straightening iron and straighten it more cause i really like it straight. i will post a pic when i get a chance.

2005-10-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

it has been almost two weeks since we went to dallas and i have just now decided to post something about it. im sorry im slacking as usual. ok well where to start. im gonna try not to repeat anything roo already said. the traffic wasn't bad at all. we didn't get lost which was good. friday we got up and ate and then went to the art museum, here are a few pics above and to the side.

ok there is one thing that i learned while in dallas, DON'T DRINK THE TAP WATER, IT IS GRILLED TEXAS WATER. this became a joke between me and roo. the water has a weird taste and smell, hence the name grilled texas water.

the concert was AMAZING. i still can't believe we saw coldplay in concert. everytime i hear them on the radio now, i just get all excited and my heart starts racing. it is kinda weird. ok on saturday we shopped all day, wooooooo hooooooooo. it was fun, lots of money was spent. here are few random pics. oh also as you all see in the pic of me i have beaudreaux. darren missed out because we could not find him when we were leaving the house for the trip. oh well his lose.

2005-09-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

of course, you all know we are back from dallas. i am back at work tonight which sucks.

2005-09-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

today is the day....you ask what is today.....well today is the day that we leave to go to dallas....why you ask......because we are goin to see coldplay tomorrow night.......but there is a hurricane coming right at texas you say.........so what we are still gonna go play in the rain........we are crazy you say........duh, how long have you known us and you are just now figuring that out, gosh............yippie

well i have done just about everything i had planned to do today, except take a bath and get ice which im still gonna do in a little while. the car is somewhat packed. i still have to finish putting my bags in there and a few other things. i still haven't gotten in touch with rajiv, omg i am gonna kill him when i do get a hold of him. i called garfield's around 2 and they said he wasn't gonna be in until friday, which is tomorrow and when do we leave, we leave today. he is making things very difficult. we are still goin whether we have to pay full price for the rooms or not. i got threaded today. the girls at incense's say that we will be fine goin over there now. they are from dallas and they were so excited that we were goin that they wanted to come with us.

also joey lent me his sidekick for the trip so that we can access to the internet to check on the weather. one of us will probably be signed into yahoo and aim at all times. so if any of you get any news on the weather, im us and let us know, umk. ok well i better go finish doing what i need to do.

a little song for your, ok maybe just my, amusement

2005-09-21T14:17:00.000-07:00

TOMORROW, TOMORROW, WE'RE LEAVING TOMORROW, ITS ONLY A DAY AWAY!!!

OF COURSE I CHANGED THE WORDS A LITTLE, BUT YOU GET THE POINT.

2005-09-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

i know that all of you are wondering, 'Are Melissa and Ruby still gonna go the Dallas to see Coldplay because of the hurricane that is headed straight for Texas as we speak?'. well that is a good question and the answer would be HELL YEAH!! this was planned long before the hurricane came into play and the hurricane will just have to wait. is this logical, you ask. well no but who cares, we are goin to see coldplay. the concert is rain or shine and there is a good chance now that it is gonna be raining, thanks to the damn hurricane but i like to play and sing in the rain, so its cool. we are leaving tomorrow night after ruby gets off and heading straight for dallas. there probably won't be a lot of traffic because people will be trying to leave texas, but not us, lol. im not goin to mccomb as scheduled. i don't think ruby knows yet. now she does, lol. so im at the house and thinking real hard about goin to get my face threaded, a toe job, and my hair done. oh the possibilites, whats a girl to do?

i am giddy with excitement. woooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooo

2005-09-14T00:50:00.000-07:00

well i guess it is time to post something.

i finally got my bookshelf in my room with the help of lisa and the desk out of my room with the help of roo. thanks girls. the house seems to be coming together and my room also. i got this spiffy stereo that roo showed me at target, it plays mp3 from the computer, very cool.

me and roo leave for dallas on thursday, 22th of this month for the coldplay concert on the 23rd. we did get reservation at a hampton inn, woo hoo. we were worried that we wouldn't be able to find a hotel due to the current hurricane situation. even better that we got the employee rate thru rajiv. we will be there til sunday. i am getting really excited. i mean we are gonna see COLDPLAY. man it is gonna rock. i guess i should be searching for things for us to do while we are there. it will be good to get away. something to look forward to.

everything is goin well in mccomb. they seem to be getting everything back to normal. some people still don't have power or water. and there is a lot of damage in the area but that will take a while to clean up.

yesterday was 3 months. it seems like it has been longer. but in a sense it seems like it was just yesterday. i have been worrying lately about a lot. like im afraid that i am gonna forget things about her. things she did, things she said, the way she looked, the way she smelled. see i know in my heart that i will always remember her but i am so afraid of forgetting her. it makes my heart ache. i miss her terribly.

see when my dad died, i can remember having trouble remembering how his face looked in my mind. i was young but not that young. and i remember him now but not as much as i would like but that was so long ago. i just don't know.

why is it that i always seem to talk about her in my blog? maybe because i need to get stuff of my chest and my feelings out and this is the only place i can do it. she was my life and it is so hard get away from that. i think that if she were still here i would still talk about her.

im sorry if all of yall that read my blog are tired of reading about it. i don't know if i will ever quit talking about her. so if you don't like it then quit reading my blog.

for some reason i am very angry and hurt right now. i feel very alone.

hurricane

2005-09-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

haven't posted anything lately....nothing really to say also we didn't get power back til like wednesday night and internet didn't work til thursday evening before i left for work. so ya, alot has happened since then. it just amazes me to look at pictures of new orleans and and the coast and other southern areas. it is really surreal, i mean these are places i've been several times and know very well and they are completely destroyed and flooded. it is very tragic and upsetting. im afraid to go home to mccomb. i have heard they there is outrageous damage everywhere. see in some ways i compare this to the tsumani that happened not to long ago. it was very upsetting to see all the damaged and death that it caused but i felt there was nothing i could do, i was so far away. and now this isn't so far away, this has happened to our home. WE are the ones that are searching for our friends and family and hoping that they are all well and sitting in the heat waiting and hoping that our lights and water come back on and waiting in line to fill our vehicles with gas before running out. not that in any way this is as horrific as the tsumani but this hurts me more and effects me so much more. im not trying to sound selfish and like i don't care about other people. i do, i am a very careing person whether some of you believe it or not. i just want to do everything i can do to help. i would love to volunteer somewhere and i am gonna go give blood as soon as i can get by united blood services. i am gonna try to do whatever possible.

2005-08-21T02:25:00.000-07:00

OK I'M GETTING SICK OF HAVING TO DELETE SPAM COMMENTS FROM MY POSTS. THIS IS SO NOT COOL. SO WHOEVER IS DOING IT PLEASE QUIT!! I'M ASKING NICELY.

2005-08-18T07:11:00.000-07:00

maybe one day. . . . . . .just maybe

i will post something interesting enough for someone to leave me a comment :( !!

that is alot of pressure to put on a girl......*sigh*

i shall try

1 year anniversary

2005-08-17T04:37:00.000-07:00

so yesterday, the 16th was a year of me working at umc. wow it doesn't seem like it has been that long. so much has changed since i started........wow. i go back to work tonight, unfortunately. not much else goin on. guess i will go to bed.

2005-08-11T23:58:00.000-07:00

i am having trouble sleeping lately. i just can't seem to sleep the whole night or day. i went to bed around 10 and woke up at 1:30 wide awake. i did the same thing last night expect did not go to bed til 4am. i don't know. today wasn't a good day. i cried all day long. nothing really triggered it, just depressed. i think that i have to convince myself everyday that she isn't coming back. i never thought i could miss one person so bad and hurt so much. my heart is broken and i don't know if it will ever mend. you see she is the winner in this battle, she is not hurting anymore and we are left here grieving our loss, missing her with all of our hearts and souls.

saturday will be 2 months and i haven't been out to her grave since the day after the funeral. i don't know why. i feel ashamed. i need to go out there. i think i will go early this morning. i am afraid. it hurts so damn bad.

i recieved a card in the mail the other day from a cousin of mine. she lost her mom about 2 years ago from cancer. this is what she wrote:

Dear Melissa,

I wanted you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I know that this is a very difficult time for you and that there are so many emotions that you are going to experience. There is nothing to make the absence of your mother any easier, but there is one thing that your mother would have wanted you to do. Remember your mother today and everyday. Remember the strength that her warm embrace gave you, remember the comfort her eyes provided when you had not even said a word and most importantly remember the laughter that brought both of you to tears. Remember her kind heart and tender ways.

this really struck home. i miss all of this and more. i miss the way i would come in and be upset and she would not have to say anything, i would just climb into bed with her and just lay there and everything would be better. i miss coming home from a week of work and her meeting me at the door saying "hey baby, i missed you" and giving me a hug that felt like it would heal the world. i miss her aggravating me and then saying " if i didn't do it you would think i didn't love you". i would give anything to hear her say those words to me again. i miss her scent, her voice, her touch, her laughter, her smile, her tears, but most of all i miss HER.

2005-08-07T00:06:00.000-07:00

OMG, I AM SO EXCITED!! WE ARE GOIN TO SEE COLDPLAY ON SEPTEMBER 23TH IN DALLAS, TEXAS AND IT IS GOIN TO FREAKING ROCK!! THEY ARE SO AWESOME. I CAN'T WAIT!! THEY STILL HAVE TICKETS AVAILABLE FOR THE LAWN IF ANYONE ELSE WOULD LIKE TO GO. THEY ARE AROUND $40 WHICH ISN'T BAD CONSIDERING WE ARE TALKING ABOUT COLDPLAY. YOU CAN GET THEM AT BEBOP RECORDS OR TICKETMASTER.

2005-08-05T03:50:00.000-07:00

got an email from my aunt julia last night saying that they had gotten brad and I a trailor. she is hoping to have it moved by the end of this month. this is exciting because brad will be able to move out of the house with doug, there is some tension there between the two of them. this will also be a place where i can stay when i go home to mccomb. the house is not the same without mom there and we both feel very out of place and uncomfortable living there.

this also makes me sad. well because there are so many memories that we had with her there. it was home. it is still home in my heart but without her i don't have a home. it will never be the same. we are gonna have to start moving our stuff and the stuff that she left us out of the house to put in the trailor.

i just want to cry. tonight has been difficult. i am beginning to wonder if i need to find another job. i am tired all the time and i get upset alot because being in the hospital upsets me. i just don't know. i won't be able to find a job with the benefits and time off like this one. but is it worth all the pain and hurt?

or do i just need time off completely? i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. why can't things be different?

I AM SO TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love this song and the video

2005-08-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

Foo Fighters

"Best of You"

I've got another confession to make

I'm your fool

Everyone's got their chains to break

Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head

Without your noose

You gave me something that I didn't have

But had no use

I was too weak to give in

Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again

But I break loose

My head is giving me life or death

But I can't choose

I swear I'll never give in

I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must

Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Oh...

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

The life, the love

You die to heal

The hope that starts

The broken hearts

You trust, you must

Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend

I'm no foolI'm getting tired of starting again

Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in

I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

Its real, the pain you feel

You trust, you must

Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Oh...

great news

2005-08-02T07:19:00.000-07:00

First off, I paid my car off yesterday, woo hoo!! and now for the great news, i just saved a lot of money switching to geiko. LMAO no but seriously no more car note, just insurance and tag. this makes the nizza very happy. the weekend was great. glad to see people i missed so much on friday night and monday night, we will have to hang again very soon. got to hang at joey and beth's last night. spent way to much money on mary kay, but its for a good cause and i will have pretty stuff to wear. i go back to work tonight, :( this doesn't make the nizza very happy. i am getting pretty excited about goin to see coldplay in sept in tx. i need to get tickets this week sometime and start lookin for hotels and stuff to do, P-A-R-T-Y because i gotta!!! everything was goin well in McComb. well i guess im gonna try to get some sleep.

2005-07-25T00:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday,Sunday the 24th, was Joey's birthday

Happy Birthday Joseph, this songs for you!!

Wonderwall by Oasis

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

2005-07-23T04:16:00.000-07:00

i want to post something but have nothing to say. . . . . . .

work is tiring and crappy this week thus far. my feet hurt. i started writing thank you notes tonight, finally. i have put it off for so long. just haven't felt like doing it. when i get off this week i am gonna go to forest for a few days to visit with the babies and chris and denine. this will be a nice break. i am beginning to think that i came back to work to soon. i have been getting upset and frustrated and angry alot lately. but when haven't i been upset and frustrated and angry? i am unhappy and i have no clue how to start trying to make myself happy.

blah blah blah blah

2005-07-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

here i am sitting at the house passing the time. i am gonna go get a spa pedicure and my face threaded today. i have already packed my car to go home and everything....but for some reason i am struggling to motivate myself to move or leave. i feel so strange. i have alot of anxiety about going home again. don't get me wrong, i do want to go home to mccomb but it hurts so damn bad.

tomorrow.... there will be so much heartache and pain. it will be a month and it is still so unreal. it feels like it happened just yesterday. nothing is normal anymore.....i feel so different and out of place. i hide so much hurt and anger and fear and pain. i don't know what to do anymore. please tell me this gets easier because i don't know how much more i can handle. my head is so unclear and clouded. i can't think straight half the time.

Its just been one of those weeks!!

2005-07-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

MercyMe

"Keep Singing"

Another rainy day

I can't recall having sunshine on my face

All I feel is pain

All I wanna do is walk out of this place

But when I am stuck and I can't move

When I don't know what I should do

When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing

I gotta keep praising Your name

Your the one that's keeping my heart beating

I gotta keep singing

I gotta keep praising Your name

That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap

I don't wanna leave

Jesus sing over me

I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap

I don't wanna leave

Jesus sing over me

I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need

And I gotta keep singing

2005-07-03T00:17:00.000-07:00

do ya ever just want to give up? i am tired of everything. i am tired of hurting, tired of crying, tired of being upset, tired of being angry, tired of the current situation. i want everything back. this is not a plea or anything. i just miss her so very much it makes my whole body hurt. i feel so empty. this house isn't the same, this town isn't the same, nothing is the same anymore. i just want to scream. i feel so alone and left behind. why does life have to be so damn hard? who am i? i sure don't know anymore. i am lost without her.

bittersweet holiday

2005-07-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

well everything has been going ok for the last few days. the swelling has completely gone away, thank goodness. kayce and i have been cleaning all morning trying to get the house in decent shape for the july 4th get together. i am gonna clean the pool tomorrow. hopefully it won't rain. this get together was planned by mom and my uncle danny when mom first got in the hospital. she said that everyone needed to come to the house for 4th of july so that all of the family could be together. well that was the plan and she would want us to still have the party even if she isn't here. it will help to be surrounded by family and friends anyway. i made a pound cake last night. this isn't just a normal everyday task because it was mom's pound cake recipe and only she knew how to make it just right. well i had never made one and last night i tried and did it just as good. she would be proud. i knew her secrets so that is why it came out as good.

2005-06-29T11:29:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a really bad day. i cried the whole way home. i went to aunt julia's when i got home because we were gonna discuss some stuff. we cried together for a while and i finally left around 3:30. i got home and cried myself to sleep. when i woke up at 10:30 last night, i was swollen and it wasn't just from crying. my eyes were almost swollen shut. but my legs and feet were also swollen. so it was like i had an allergic reaction to something. i wasn't wheezing or having trouble breathing but it was really odd. i stayed up for a while to try to see if it was gonna go down any and my face did go down a little. so i took a benadryl and went back to bed. this morning my feet and ankles are still a little swollen but my face had almost complelely gone down. it was really weird.

2005-06-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

well im packing up to go back to mccomb for a week. work was ok, i had my moments but all in all i think it helped getting away. im still very lost. i had to stop myself several times from calling home when i got off or before i went in to work. these were the times i called to talk to her on my work week. it just broke my heart. there is gonna be alot of work to do when i get home. im just not sure if i am ready to deal with all of it. i just want to leave everything the way it is because in the back of my mind i keep thinking that this is just a bad dream and hopefully i will wake up. i really know the truth but it is still so hard to grasp. it is still so fresh. it just doesn't feel right. will it ever? i just want things to go back to normal. there is so much goin on in my mind and heart. so much pain and emptiness. thank God i have so many family members and friends that have done so much to help and comfort. i truely can't express my graditude and love to all of them for everything that they have done. i still need so much support and love and probably will for a long time.

today is a week

2005-06-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

nothing seems real anymore. i have been sitting here at the house for the past few days and i feel lost, like i don't know what to do. why does it hurt so damn bad? i miss her so much. my whole body hurts. people ask how am i doing and honestly i don't know. i am fine one minute then the next i am crying uncontrollably. i feel like i have no reason to be here in mccomb anymore. she was the reason i came home on my weeks off. i feel very out of place. i don't know where to turn and where to go. maybe it is all in my head. i needed her here. i am selfish and want her back. i wasnt' ready for her to go. it isn't fair. i feel like i am in a fog and no clearing in sight. nothing will ever be the same again. i feel so different and not myself. i don't know if i will ever get over this. i close my eyes and i see her. i think back to the things she told me in the hosptial. that she wanted to come home, she was tired of being in the hosptial. i miss everything about her. when she pointed her finger at me to do something, when she would tell me she loved me, how she rubbed her shaved head at night while she was sleeping, watching her breathe when she was at home sleeping, how she knew something was wrong everytime i was upset or mad. I MISS EVERYTHING. i keep thinking back to the last day we talked to her, the day of her surgery, which was 6 days before she died. i remember telling her i love you over and over and over, making sure that she heard me so she would never forget it and she would look into my eyes and squeeze my hand and tell me she loved me so much and to never forget it. i think she knew it would be that last time that we would talk. i will never forget the day she died. i sat by her side, holdin her hand til she took her last breathe. i kept whispering in her ear that i loved her and that we would be ok. at first she would respond a little by squeezing our hands or trying to turn her head to look at us. she knew we were there but could not talk. she would move her legs and arms and try so hard to communicate. slowly her lungs were producing less and less air. she went from taking long deep breathes to short and fast breathes. in the last 30 minutes of her life she quit responding and closed her eyes and struggled for air. i kept praying that God would take her so she would not have to struggle. i was laying my head on her arm and i looked up and her head was leaning down at me and she just took her last breathe and there was nothing more. she looked so peaceful. i knew that she was not struggling any more but i was so mad because i wanted so much to hear her say i love you one more time or anything. i begged God to take her and then i begged God to give her back.

2005-06-17T02:46:00.000-07:00

pic of mom with doug and missy. this was right before we found out about the cancer, in january sometime.

2005-06-14T22:18:00.000-07:00

this song came on the radio right as me and doug were driving to the funeral home for mom's wake this evening. i don't think there could be a song more true for the situation right now.

MercyMe

"Homesick"

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye And in Christ, there is no end So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have To see you again To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

2005-06-14T05:49:00.000-07:00

she's gone. she took her last breathe while i was holding her hand at 1:45pm monday june 13. it is something i will never forget. i loved her so very much and i am lost without her. i keep thinking that any minute she is gonna walk in and everything will go back to normal. this can't be true. i am totally heartbroken. her obituary will be on this website sometime today. it is the local paper. i would say check after noon. you can look if you please. her name was Donna Edwards.

2005-06-12T21:25:00.000-07:00

thanks to roo and beth i had a very fun day shopping and getting manicures and pedicures. thanks girls for going with me, i appreciate the company and love you both.

i made it home in time to see mom on the last visitation at 8. she was still stable and resting. her blood pressure dropped kinda low this morning but she has done well today other than that.

ok so tomorrow is what we have been all waiting for since tuesday. i am anxious and scaried all at the same time. i feel so helpless. i am so worried and i know that i have no control over the situation. this is so important. this is something that will change my life forever and has already. i honestly don't feel good about it and haven't since before the surgery. my head hurts just thinking about tomorrow and i feel very sick at my stomach. it really got my mind off of everything here when i went to jackson today. i almost feel bad for having fun when she is just laying there in the bed on ventilator and me up there shopping and goofying off. i know she wouldn't want me to be just sitting there under her all the time but i feel like i have lost out on valuable time that i won't have with her later.

my heart is breaking........i just want it all to be over and her be well and home again. i want everything back, especially her. the house is so quiet, it makes me sick. she would be up running around telling us we needed to get in the bed and get some rest.

why her? i love her so much that words can't express it. i know God has a meaning for everything, but i just don't understand. she is so young and so needed here with us. i know that i am selfish but i want her here. i need her. she is all i have left.

sometimes i feel like i can be so strong then other times i feel like i can't even hold my self up like i can't breathe. my heart literally hurts and aches for her.

none of us know what tomorrow holds. it is horrible to wait for something like this. because all you can think is i hope that she wakes up and starts talking to us. we all want that but.......we don't want to face the future and not know what to expect. life is so unfair.

im gonna go try to sleep because we have to be at the hospital by 7:30am. everyone please pray for her and us, i know i have asked repeatedly and i appreciate all of the prayers this far but tomorrow will be very cructial and we all need as much as we can get at this point. just pray that God's will be done and I know it will even it isn't what we want. i just ask God to give us all the strenght to deal with whatever tomorrow brings. as much as i want to beg for her back i can't change God's will and i will understand that if it is her time he will take her and that he has a purpose for everything.

OMG THIS IS SO UNREAL. SOMEONE PLEASE WAKE ME UP FROM THE TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE. THIS ISN'T HAPPENING, IT CAN'T BE.

i hate waiting

2005-06-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

everything is pretty much the same now. they moved her to icu yesterday. she has been real stable and very sedated. we go see her every visitation and pray for her every second. i just keep hoping that i will walk in on a visit and she will be sitting up in the bed awake waiting for us to come in. it breaks my heart more and more each time i have to see her on all those machines and with all the tubes. i never want to go through this again. it is very surreal. i mean just a few days ago she was up talking and joking with us and now she may die on monday. im not trying to be negative but i have to prepare myself for this as much as possible. i don't think i will ever be the same. she will be taking a lot of me with her if she goes. everything around me reminds me of her, i see her and i hear her and i feel her. i think that the waiting is just as bad as what may come next. i painted her toenails tonight. she had asked and asked for me to redo them but she went into the hospital and there was no time. i want her to wake up and know that i had been there. i go in and hold her hand and just pray that she will squeeze it back and i whisper 'i love you and i am praying for you and i know you are strong and can make it through this'. she is my world and it is all crashing before my eyes.

i am coming to jackson on sunday morning. i have to find clothes. i am picking up beth and hopefully roo will be able to go too. my aunt julia and denine aren't going. julia said that she thought i needed to get away from everything and just be with my friends for a while. so i am going to attempt to do just that.

2005-06-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

for the ones that haven't heard, mom isn't doing well at all. they were not able to remove the lung on tuesday due to damage from chemo and radiation. the only thing that the doctors were able to do was drain the fluid in her bad lung and drain some fluid that had built up around her heart. the doctors have been very honest with us. they told us that it was gonna be hard and difficult and not long. they have been trying to get her off the ventilator for the last two days but she gets very aggitated and they have had to keep her very sedated. she is breathing on her own but the ventilator is helping her a lot. this morning we requested to talk to the doctor because of the ventilator situation and some other questions. see mom has always made it very clear that she doesn't want to be on the ventilator for the rest of her life and doesn't want a trac (a whole in her chest for the ventilator tube to go in). so when we talked to the doctor we told him this and he knew that, he has known mom for a very long time and loves her dearly. he said the reason behind not getting her off the ventilator is because he wants to wait and let her bad lung try to fill with as much air as possible and let her heal a little more before he takes her off. because once the ventilator is off and out, it can't be put back in without putting a trac in. so what im saying is that when we take her off the ventilator on monday, she will be breathing on her own for as long as she can which is a very good possibility it won't be long. he is trying to prepare us for the fact that she probably isn't leaving the hospital. he is moving her from the cardiac unit to the icu unit that she was in for 2 weeks before she had surgery. he wants her to be closer to him and so that we will be able to see her more while she is still here. the doctor said that the goal after they get her off the ventilator is to keep her comfortable and out of pain, even if he has to sit at her bedside day and night and hold her hand. i know that God can work miracles and that mom is extremely strong and we are praying for a miracle. but we also realize that God will take her when it is time and none of us know when that time may be. this is very hard to fathom. i mean we go from her being sick to having cancer to possibly dying in a very short time frame. im not ready for this to happen. i have cried til i can't cry anymore. i need all the prayer and thoughts that anyone can provide and so does she and the rest of my family and friends. i would not have gotten this far without all the family and friends that have been by my side through this. i love you all!!! im so afraid that tuesday before she went to surgery would have been the last time i was able to tell her i love her and her respond and say that she loved me too. i have so much i need to tell her and it seems like no time. im just praying for an hour, a minute, or even a second of time to talk to her and let her know how much i love her and how much she means to me. you know we take so much for granted and we don't realize it til it is too late. PLEASE KEEPS US IN ALL OF YOUR PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS, ESPECIALLY HER. even if it is just for those few short moments that her family can tell her how much they love her for the last time.

Update

2005-06-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

well we have a rather eventfully weekend and day. to start the weekend off, mom's doctor decided to have a surgery done today to drain the fluid off her lung that has the tumor in it (the right lung). it would be a process that was suppose to help her breathe better and keep her from wheezing so much. so with the doctor saying this we agreed and everything was set up to do the surgery today, where they go in and put two or three chest tubes and drain the fluid into an absorbent powder and the lung would close itself off and not refill with fluid. well her doctor came in this morning and said that he had been really thinking and that the more he thought about removing the fluid the more he realized that it probably would not do that much good. he said that the tumor is almost completely blocking her airway in that lung, more than when she was diagnosed which seems like radiation did not shrink it at all, basically it has grown. so he said that we did have another option, to go in and remove the whole lung; fluid, tumor and all. this sounds really scary but he seems to think that it will increase her quality of life. he told us that this would not be a cure but she would be able to breathe better. i mean if you think about it she is really only using one lung anyway because the bad one isn't producing much air at all. the good lung is clear of any cancer or fluid which is a positive note. so today they will move her out of the room she has been in for almost two weeks(tomorrow will be two weeks), and put her in a room in the cardiatic unit. the surgery is scheduled for tomorrow at noon. since it is a major surgery, they will take her back to the cardiatic unit so that she can watched better after the surgery. she will also be on the ventilator for a while after the surgery. the surgeon said that people have an 8 out of 10 success rate with this kind of surgery. he also said that it is gonna be a long, hard recovery and that she is gonna have to be really strong to get through it. we all know that she is strong and can get through it but it is still a very scary thing. i need everyone to pray for her and my family. we are all trying hard not to break down and to be strong for her but it is really difficult. i have put it in God's hands and i know that he will take care of everything but i can't help but worry because she is the only mom i have and will every have.

2005-06-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!! I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND OVERWHELMED WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON. I HAVE NO CONTROL AND I CAN'T HELP THE SITUATION. SHE IS SICK AND DOESN'T SEEM TO GETTING ANY BETTER. SHE DID NOT COME HOME AND WE ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW WHEN SHE WILL. I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE HIDING THE TRUTH FROM ME. I JUST WANT TO GO TO BED AND CRY AND NEVER GET UP. I AM SO TIRED OF THIS.....I JUST WANT HER BACK. I WANT HER TO BETTER AGAIN. I CAN'T STAND SEEING HER SICK AND SUFFERING. I AM SO UPSET AND I FEEL SELFISH FOR BEING UPSET. SHE IS THE ONE THAT IS SICK AND SUFFERING, NOT ME. I FEEL LIKE I AM THE ONE THAT HAS TO DO EVERYTHING. I WORK FULL-TIME IN ONE WEEK AND THEN COME HOME TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING HERE; HER, BRAD, AND EVERYTHING ELSE. LAST NIGHT I JUST SAT AND CRIED ON THE PHONE TO DENINE BEFORE I WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL. I AM EXPECTED TO STAY UP THERE WITH HER EVERYNIGHT. I JUST NEED TO LEAVE AND GET AWAY FROM HERE BEFORE I HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

2005-06-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

Good News!!! Mom might be coming home this afternoon or tomorrow. It is all gonna depend on her doctors. One came in this morning and said he did not think it would be a problem and that she is doing much better. So when she talks to the other ones this afternoon, we will get the verdict. They told her yesterday that she has pneumonia which explains why she has been running fever. We are all pretty anxious about her coming home especially her. Ok well I'm off to take a nap.

2005-05-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

Everyone check out this usher and napoleon dynamite video!!! It's great

link

Also this link is for all those Mitch Hedberg Fans. It is a list of funny quotes he had.

link

This is a Fat Albert Cartoon with Napoleon and Pedro

link

2005-05-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

umm k im not as tired as before. i finally went to sleep around 4 today and did not move til brad came home tonight at 10 from the hospital. so now i feel the need to stay up a while so that i will be able to sleep tomorrow so i can work. i sure do wish i had those nintendo games to occupy my time. ok well im off in search of something interesting to do or read, wish me luck. any suggestions?????

2005-05-27T00:58:00.000-07:00

well the last few days have been pretty stressful and upsetting. i came back to jackson on sunday of last week. i spend sunday and monday night at joey and beth's. joey worked on my computer. so on tuesday morning, i wake up to four missed calls from my aunt julia and wondering why she is calling me at 8 in the morning. i call her back to find out that my mom is in the hospital. so naturally i worry myself to death til i get down there and check on her. i was suppose to come back to work that night but i called in and i also did not go on wednesday night. ok well i get down there to find out that she apparently got real sick early tuesday morning and could not quit throwing up. she finally told doug to take her to the hospital and he almost did not get her in the car. when they got there she was severely dehydrated and still throwing up. they finally got her to a room around 7 that morning. she did not quit throwing up til thursday morning and she was finally keeping down sprite and ice chips as of last night when i left at 9 to come back to work. she also had an reaction to some medication they gave her on wednesday so when i got back up to the hospital at 5 that afternoon, she was psychotic. it was really scary, she keep saying that she was dying and we had to keep telling her that it was the medication. she still was having those feelings of psychosis today but not as much. i did not think that we would ever get her pass that, it was horrible. so now after much debate i am finally back at work but only because she was doing so well when i left today. i am also goin to get brad this morning after i get off. he has a weekend pass so i am gonna bring him home to see mom which will do both of them some good. he will be home til sunday then go back. it will depend on how much sleep i get today as to whether i come to work on tonight. i have already told them at work and them told me to do what i need to do. so this week has been crazy. i feel better knowing that she is doing better. i have never been so scaried that i was gonna lose her as i have been the last two days. everything seems to have settled down a little. maybe that will last for a while.

2005-05-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

this is hunter in his elvis costume, he looked so cute!!

2005-05-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

so far the week has been good. yesterday was mom's last radiation treatment, woo hoo. she also got chemo yesterday but only one of the medications because she had an allergic reaction to the other one last week. she won't have to go back for another chemo treatment til June 16 and that is when they will decide what other medication to put her on. so she has a month off and we are all rather excited because we are all pretty tired of running back and forth, especially her. we went and saw brad yesterday too. he is doing really well. he called today and might be coming home on monday. me and mom are pretty anxious about the situation. we miss him and want him to come home but we also want him to be better.

mom and i went to forest on thursday to see hunter graduate from kindergarten, omg it was great. there was a 170 to graduate. the group sang some songs and hunter did an elvis impersonation, i will post a pic of him in the costume later. he is gonna be a star of school plays and skits when he gets older. he did wonderful.

chris and denine are coming down today. they are bringing the kids out to the house for us to watch around 1. yippie, i get to see my babies again. i think since it is such a pretty day we will go swimming. i have only gotten in the pool once and that was on wednesday. hopefully i will be able to get more sun, i am just about as white as a ghost. i have to gradually get sun though because if i don't i will burn and i don't want that.

well i guess i should go. not much more to say and nothing is goin on yet. i originally thought i would come back to jackson tonight but i think i might wait til tomorrow evening. so i shall see all later.

XOXOXOXO

I love this song

2005-05-17T14:22:00.000-07:00

ALTER BRIDGE

"In Loving Memory"

Thanks for all you've done

I've missed you for so long

I can't believe you're gone

You still live in me

I feel you in the wind

You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no

Cause you were always there for me

You were always there waiting

And now I come home and I miss your face so

Smiling down on me

I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me

And it's your song that sets me free

I sing it while I feel I can't hold on

I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you

In loving memory of

The one that was so true

Your were as kind as you could be

And even though you're gone

You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no

Cause you were always there for me

You were always there waiting

But now I come home and it's not the same, no

It feels empty and alone

I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me

And it's your song that sets me free

I sing it while I feel I can't hold on

I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow

I'll still love you more tomorrow

And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling

And You always found the meaning

And you always will

Ooo's

And I know, you're a part of me

And it's your song that sets me free

I sing it while I feel I can't hold on

I sing tonight cause it comforts me

how you know it isn't gonna be a good night

2005-05-14T19:22:00.000-07:00

For starters the morning didn't go so well. The visit with Brad was longer than expected because he was no where to be found when we arrived. He knew we were coming, needless to say I was livid.

Secondly, I only got about 3 hours of sleep today, can we say irritable. I didn't get home from Whitfield and Cracker Barrell til 11:30. Then I took a quick bath and hopped in bed. I got to sleep but just kept waking up, I hate it when that happens.

Then my alarm clock went off and 5 and I hit it, then of course fell back asleep. I woke up at 6. I rushed to take another bath and get ready. Also since I woke up late, I didn't have time to eat anything and I was starving.

So I get to work and I decide that I must have Chick-fil-a and I knew that nothing else would do. I was on a mission and I knew nothing would satisfy me til I got Chick-fil-a. So I left work around 8:30 thinking that if I could get some Chick-fil-a the night probably be won't be so bad. I mean it can work miracles I tell you.

So when I get outside guess what I found, give up?? It was storming and being the smart person that I am, I left my umbrella in the pharmacy. Oh well, I can't let the fact that it raining cats and dogs stop me and I couldn't go back, I had come to far. I must complete the mission.
Oh yeah did I mention that I wasn't parked in the parking garage, I was parked in a big parking lot by the VA. I got shoked.

So traffic was pretty bad, I mean it is a Friday night. So it took forever to get there. Then finally, I arrive at my destination, Chick-fil-a, but my mission isn't complete you see. I must have the food in my grasps. Well the lines wasn't to long, how nice. I made my order and got to the window and paid. Then the moment of glory, I got the food and drive off. I felt complete, like I had successfully accomplished my mission.

So I arrive back at work thinking, which I am really not doing to well due to the lack of sleep, that everything was looking up. I get out of the car and walked up the stairs and go in the door and then as I am walked down the hall to the pharmacy I say to myself 'Hey I think I would love a tasty fry' so I reach in the bag to find what, NO FRIES. And no it isn't because I didn't order them, I ordered a meal and they gave me my drink and my nuggets only. I know that I really didn't need the fries but they were Chick-fil-a waffles fries, which are top of the line. *hangs head and pokes bottom lip out and fights back tears*

So now you all know why it isn't gonna be a good night for nizza. I shall leave you because I realize that I am rambling and truthfully I am to tired to type anymore or even thinking about what to type.

Hope you all have a better night than I have already.

shame on me :(

2005-05-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

I am such a bad blogger. I mean I go days, even weeks without blogging. I am a disgrace to the blogger world *hangs head*........oh well, life will go on. I really do like to blog, I just can't seem to find the time and when I actually do have the time I have nothing to say. I shall try to do better.

So in other news, Mom is doing ok, as well as can be expected. I went and saw Brad at Whitfield yesterday. He seems very positive and he wants to get better. I hope his outlook stays that way. Other than that, life has been pretty boring.

Maybe I will find something interesting to post tonight....maybe, just maybe.

Oh everyone please keep David and his family in your thoughts and prayers, his grandfather died last Friday.

woo hoo, 1000

2005-05-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

well i have reached 1000 views of my blog. i did not realize how many times a day i actually looked at it. that is pretty pathetic, huh? anyway lunch with my aunt went well. i just got back, we went to cracker barrell in pearl. so i am fixing to head back to the land of sleep with hopes of getting more of it before i have to get up to go to work. wish me luck!!

2005-04-30T04:13:00.000-07:00

brad will be goin to whitfield on monday of next week. he called me on friday evening before i got to work. he sounds good but i think he is anxious to get out of jail, i hope it is for the right reasons. i sure hope that he really tries to get help at whitfield. he is very good at telling them what they want to hear, like he did at pinegrove. he was in there all three times for no more than a week. i also think that he has more problems then he has been diagnosed with. he lives in a dream world and nothing is his fault. he makes up his own rules and really believes that they are the right things to do. so i don't know, i sure hope everything will work out. we are all praying for him.

mom also had her chemo treatment yeasterday. i talked to her also. she sounded good. she told me that the doctor has decided to go ahead and give her chemo for the next three weeks, instead of taking the two break and then starting back chemo. all of her levels have been fine so they are gonna continue as long as she can handle it. which i guess is a good thing because she will be getting more treatments in less time which hopefully will help get rid of the cancer quicker. the only bad side is that she will be tired all the time and probably sicker than she is now.

i was looking through my photo album and came across a pic of mom with hunter, meagan and sydney in her lap. they are all smiling and she was glowing because she loves thoses babies more than anything. it made my heart hurt to look at it because so much has happened since it was taken and i fear things may never be the same. i want them to remember her like i will remember her.

my aunt julia and uncle steve will be in jackson today and tomorrow for a fishing tournament on sunday. she emailed me and wants me to go have lunch with her on sunday. i think that i just may do that even though it will be interfering with my sleep time. i would love the company and i did have some stuff i needed to talk to her about. they both have been really wonderful through this situation with mom and brad, not that they weren't before all this happened. but when stuff like this happens you really find out who really cares and loves you. her and uncle steve will always be special in my heart.

work has been ok this week so far. i really don't like the starting on tuesday thing because it makes the week feel longer, somehow. im sure i will get use to it, eventually. roo left me yesterday to go to an event, so im all alone, all by myself. i need to clean the house but i just don't have the motivation nor the desire. i just feel like crying and i don't know why.

my oh my

2005-04-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

im back...in richland that is.

i was pretty busy today. i went shopping for a few and then got my face threaded :)!!
i went to joey and beth's today and we hung out and watched a movie. joey made an excellent ham and i made some homemade macroni and cheese, yummy!!

i guess i am glad to be back but i feel so out of place....kind of hard to explain. i miss seeing everyone on my week off. i would love to just spend all of that time goin out dancing or to movies or just hanging out with friends, not goin home.

i feel like i have no me time anymore. . . and that is ok but it gets very frustrating at times.

this is just a rant to help get it out cause if i don't i will explode.

i feel lost in my own life.......if that is even possible. everything just seems to be spinning and i am just standing here looking at the world in confusion asking myself 'where do i begin or go from here?'.

im not mad or angry about my current situation......im just......overwhelmed, i guess you would say.

im taking one day at a time but it is so hard not to worry about everything to come and to all of you that know me know that i worry to much already. i feel i must prepare myself for the worst even though i don't even want to think about it.

i just want to run but i have no where to run to anymore. home was my running place but now it is the place i want to run from.

this may be very confusing to all that read this.......so im sorry but it had to be said.

i still don't feel any better about it even though it is said. hopefully in time everything will calm down.

2005-04-21T05:23:00.000-07:00

well i haven't posted in about two weeks, sorry to all that actually read my blog. i have been busy with stuff. just a little update, mom is doing well. she will have her second chemo treatment on friday in jackson with the new doctor. everything went well the last friday when she had her treatment. she shaved her head because her hair was falling out in clumps. so now she has like a staff infection on her head where it was shaved, kinda like a razor burn almost. but she is on antibotics and we put hydrocortisone cream on it daily. in other news, my car will hopefully be fixed today or tomorrow and as an answered prayer, it is completely covered under my warranty. they had to completely replace my engine. well in got home on monday, i came home to some unknown problems with brad. he had been smoking weed and my parents found some in a bag on our driveway. well this isn't the first time he has been caught and he was told the first time that the law would be called if he was caught again. so much to my surprise, the law arrived at the same time that i got home on monday morning. i was pretty much livid with him. he knows better. so they talked to him and basically threatened him and warned him not to screw up because they would be watching him. so they left and he seemed like nothing had changed. so on tuesday on the way home from taking mom to radiation, brad passed us up on the road doing way over the speed limit and driving very reckless. like he was in a rush to get home or something. so we decided to stop by my grandmothers and i called him when we got there and he did not answer, well something just did not feel right and i told mom that we needed to get home. so we left. when we got home he wasn't there. about 10 minutes after we arrived, he showed up. i asked him about his driving and why he would pass us driving that fast when he knew he was gonna get in trouble. well mom started in and told him that if he could not follow the rules then he wasn't gonna be able to drive the truck and to give her the keys. well he got mad and threw the keys and said that if he was such a burden to everyone that he would just solve everyones problem. so he walked down the hall to his room and got his 22 and started screaming well it is loaded and not on safety and that he would just kill himself to make everyones life easier. he walked into the living room with it under his chin. all i could think was something was gonna happen and it was gonna accidently go off and he would shoot one of us or himself. so i got up and walked over to him and he was basically in moms face and i some how got the gun away from him. well it wasn't over, he just lost it. he was screaming and we were screaming and he punched a hole in the wall. we called my aunt and told her to get my uncle out there and to call the law. so we finally get him settled down after about thirty minutes. then the law finally shows up. his main deal is he isn't dealing with my mom being sick at all. he is blaming God and thanks God is punishing him. he thinks that he will have nothing and if she isn't alive then he has nothing to live for and would rather be dead. he is really mixed up and very angry. so basically they got him and took him to jail and are holding him there til they can find a room for him at whitfield. we are having a hearing today to commit him. there is nothing more 'we' can do for him. he is a danger to himself and us. and he realizes that but he may not be very happy today when he realizes he isn't coming home and that he is goin to whitfield. he keeps making threats about killing himself if he goes to jail or if he is taken to whitfield. i am scaried to death of how he is gonna react today. we have the hearing at 3:30 in Liberty at the court house. it will be me, mom and my uncle steve and maybe kayce. we decided that doug probably should not go because brad would probably lash out at him and blame him for everything because doug was the one that found the weed in the yard. brad has got to realize that there are consequences to everything you do and he has got to grow up and start take responsibility for himself and those consequences. we aren't alway gonna be here to get him out of trouble. we all love him and want nothing more than for him to be ok but he isn't and he needs help and this is the only choice. so this is the problem at hand and we are all very upset and are praying for the best. Please just keep our family in your prayers, it just seems like one thing after another. i love you all and hope to see you all soon. roo im don't think we will be coming up there tonight to spend the night. but we will be up there tomorrow for chemo, so maybe will see you on your lunch break or something.

2005-04-09T06:33:00.000-07:00

ok i know i haven't written anything in a while, but i have been quite busy. well mom is doin good. we have had a bit of a misunderstanding with her oncologist here in McComb and we have decided to go to Jackson and see a different doctor. she has an appointment on Monday. she might be stayin the night with me and roo depending on what the doctor wants to do and if she wants to start her chemo the next day. she is still gonna be getting her radiation in mccomb which is every day, monday thru friday. but the chemo is every 21 days, i hope, unless the doctor in jackson wants to change it. so on top of all that, my car is not running right, it just about quit on me yesterday. i think i have an oil leak so me and doug are gonna go check it out today, i was able to drive it to my aunts after doug brought me some oil yesterday after the break down. i just feel like it is one thing after another, when is it gonna stop. oh my grandfather had an angogram done on thursday and they put stents in his kidneys to open them up because one was completely blocked and the other was 75% blocked. he got to go home yesterday and is doing good so far. today is brad and denine's birthday, happy birthday to them!! joey and beth are suppose to come visit us here in mccomb today on there way to baton rouge. im a little stopped up and have a killer sinus headache, hopefully not for long cause i took some medicine for it about 30 minutes ago. ok well i am being paged by the mother so i shall talk to all later. have a good weekend to all and to all a good day.

2005-03-31T18:33:00.001-08:00

ok well they found out it isn't his heart, which is a good thing. it is his kidney's. they aren't getting the bloodflow that they need, one isn't getting any blood and the other one is very little blood. so he is spending the night in the hospital and they are suppose to run more tests on him tomorrow. so i guess i will just have to wait which i have become very use to lately, along with worrying.

2005-03-31T07:10:00.000-08:00

ok well im sure you all know the phrase 'when it rains, it pours' well i feel like my life right now at this point is a thunderstorm. if you have been reading the blog, then you all know about my mom and her situation. ok well today my grandfather is having a heart cath and possibly heart surgery depending on how bad the blockages are. i am still in richland but as soon as mom calls and give me details about what they found will determine if i rush down there today. i mean if it is something simple and surgery is not required i am gonna stay here and try to finish working the rest of the week if all permits. i keep telling myself that God isn't gonna give me any more than i can handle, well i think he is really pushing the limit, i feel very frustrated.

2005-03-28T07:46:00.000-08:00

I am worth $2,009,170.00 on HumanForSale.com

2005-03-26T20:39:00.000-08:00

it is amazing how one day can change your life forever. you look back and think how could i have taken so much for granted and wasted so much time on less important things then spending time with the ones i love. if only i could go back and redo some of those wasted moments and bring them to good use. i know there is no way to go back and that i should just think about the time i have now but sometimes it is hard not to worry that it won't be long enough or that the time is almost up. i ask myself why wasn't i more prepared? why didn't i do this and why didn't i do that? i could go on for days with why's but that will get me no where but back at the beginning.
tonight i helped her get a bath, i just wanted to sit there and cry because it is like i am the adult and she is the child. and im not ready to be the parent, i don't mind helping, that is not the problem, i just don't want to face the reality that im losing her way too soon. but who is to say when is too soon. only God knows when our time is up. but it doesn't mean that it is any easier or that my heart hurts any less. because it is very possible that i could be losing her sooner than i could have ever imagined. i think i have cried more in the last three weeks then in my entire life. i don't want to leave her side, i am afraid that when i do something will happen and she will be gone and i won't get the chance to say goodbye or i love you one last time.
being home with her this last week and a half has really shown me how much she has been struggling this whole time and the little things i have missed or did not pay attention to.
i have to cherish every moment with her now with the fear that it might be my last. i know that i will be a stronger person for goin thru this but i thought once was enough.

2005-03-25T17:32:00.000-08:00

i feel like death warmed over. i think i am getting the flu, stay away, stay far, far away. *hack hack* i have been running fever. why must i get sick at the end of the week when i have to start work on monday? i think i will have to break down and go to the doctor tomorrow morning but i am hoping that i will wake up all better, which i seriously doubt :(!! i HATE bein sick.

update

2005-03-25T06:22:00.000-08:00

ok well i haven't posted anything lately about mom. she took her first chemo treatment on tuesday, monday she had the port put in. so tuesday we did not get home til late, it was a long day. she has been fine, no nausea or throwing up, at least not yet. they said that it could be anywhere from 24 to 72 hours later. but she has been pretty medicated to prevent that so maybe it will work. we went yesterday to see the radiation doctor. she starts radiation on monday. she will get radiation everyday, monday thru friday and chemo will be every 21 days. the oncologist gave us some rather disturbing news on monday, she said that mom is in stage 4, which is the last and worst stage. she has some ribs that are fractured on the left side by the tumor. no one has said it but they are all thinking it, that it is in the bones there, which would not be good at all. i know that we can beat this, people do it everyday and i also know that we could not have made it this far if it wasn't for all the prayer, phone calls, and visits that we have had in the last three weeks. i know God can heal her and i know that if is her time then God will take her but i just don't know if i am ready to deal with that yet. I love you all and I appreciate all the uplifting and wonderful comments that you have left, they really do make my day. just keep us all in your prayers.

2005-03-23T16:58:00.000-08:00

here is the hair curly, i love it!!

2005-03-23T10:34:00.000-08:00

this is another

2005-03-23T10:30:00.000-08:00

in this one you can kinda see the colors